I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
