FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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