My friends, they love my intelligence
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
