Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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