Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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