i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
