apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
