May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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