1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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