i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize