The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
