Define "chronic" masturbator.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
