I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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