Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
