I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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