Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize