I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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