is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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