so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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