I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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