I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
