If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
