i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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