Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
