i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize