I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
kristin has been a bad kristin
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
