Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize