my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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