Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
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