Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize