I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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