mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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