I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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