my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
