Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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