Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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