I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
