I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
3 2 1 whiskey
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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