You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
