I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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