Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
