yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
my mouth tastes like poor choices
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Randomize
