well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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