Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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