i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
