I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
