Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
