She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
