So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
