A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
whose ass print is on the piano?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
