i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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