But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
