We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
