dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
