i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
