I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
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