I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
