I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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